Sunday, September 26, 2010


I am so angry right now - because of how upset and angry I am, I also binged and ate 2 x pieces of raisin toast with butter, and a bacon and egg sandwich with two pieces of white bread, two rashes of bacon and two eggs, and then some ice cream. I then purged. So provided I got most of that up (pretty sure I did), all I've had so far is some orange juice, a latte (home made) and water.

The reason I am so angry is because I had a beloved pet when I was younger - the family dog, but she was mine, a beautiful Weimaranar (probably spelled that wrong...) and one day I got home from a sleep-over and was told that she was dead - that she'd tried to run away and had been hit by a car. My parents just told me today that they'd given her away because they didn't feel she was fitting in and that a family friend was looking.

Darcie (my dog) was so important to me, and when I thought she died I ate and ate and ate that was the start of my disordered eating. I thought that I'd killed her because I left for the sleep over, because I didn't play with her enough, because she wasn't happy with me. I ate and ate to make myself better. The worst part was that I didn't get to say goodbye.

My parents could have given me the chance to say goodbye! They could have told me she had cancer or something like that... I would have been upset but I would have known it wasn't my fault.

Would I still have struggled between being overweight and underweight had that happened?

Who knows.


  1. Holy crap, that's quite a binge! My liver aches in sympathy!

    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved Darcie. Parents...! There's a reason I haven't spoken to mine in 12 years! So insulting when they do things like that. Fuckers! At least now you know that it wasn't your fault.

    All you can do is carry on each day as best you can and when you can't, people will just have to be understanding. This is your life and your pain. You're dealing with it the best way you know how.

    Hang in there, Sweetie.

  2. Tell me about it - how can people think I'm healthy now when I'm actually capable eating ALL that in one sitting?!! Ugh. I'm so disgusted.

    Starting to feel a bit less bloated and gross now. I think I'll be ok tomorrow; the day after purging I always find my stomach is really flat.

    But seriously, how can a set of parents watch their daughter put on heaps of weight and stay indoors and cry (this is from being really skinny and hyper) without doing anything?! I think you're going the right way about it!!